Tumbling Down
by PiscesChikk
Summary: After months of keeping her at a distance, things finally come to a head between Max and Helen.


A/N ~ This is my very first Sharpwin fic. Hope you guys enjoy it. Many thanks to my beta, Wolfmusic218 on here. She's great. I love feedback, so please leave me a review.

Disclaimer: I do not own New Amsterdam or any of its characters.

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Max's heart was pounding so hard he felt like it was coming out of his chest. Sweat beads formed on his brow, upper lip, and his breath quickened. He picked up Luna out of her crib and held her close. She was almost asleep, but the comfort of having her in his arms made him feel slightly better. Outside, he could hear the cleaners whispering amongst themselves wondering why he hadn't let them in.

He looked down at the blood-stained rug near the bed, then covered it quickly. The stain, a reminder of Georgia, seemed to be screaming at him. He could almost hear her voice telling him to let her go, to let himself face the reality that she was no longer here. But he heard his own inner voice telling him that he wasn't yet ready to face the truth.

He just…couldn't.

Luna became a heavy weight in his arms after a while and he put her back into her crib where she settled into a good sleep. He slipped her blanket over her and sat heavily on the edge of his bed.

_What is wrong with me?_ he wondered. _I'm being strong for Luna. If I fall apart now, who's going to be there for her? _

His cell phone rang repeatedly. Caller ID said it was Helen. He closed his eyes, feeling guilty, but he ignored it.

_Surprise me_, she'd said earlier. And she most definitely had.

Her gesture, however sweet, did nothing but emphasize how badly he was deteriorating emotionally. He felt like things were beginning to spin out of his control.

….

"Whatever happened to surprise me?"

Helen fell into step beside Max as he headed towards the deli to get a cup of coffee.

Morning had come way too quickly. He hadn't slept, and as soon as his body reluctantly fell into a doze, Luna's crying for a bottle woke him up. He was in a foul mood, far worse than the night before.

"Uh, nothing. I was in fact _very_ surprised," he replied.

"So surprised that you didn't allow them to come in and give you a hand like I thought you would. What happened?"

Despite the fact that he'd ignored her calls last night, her face was still lit up with a smile. Its warmth temporarily softened him and he wanted nothing more than to talk to her. Pour himself into her like he'd wanted to so desperately since Georgia had died. But he didn't dare. He didn't dare let his guard down, not yet, he wasn't ready. He didn't even know why. And so he was cold instead.

He felt like a coward.

"Uh, it just wasn't the right time. Luna had a crying fit again, and with me trying to quiet her down I think strangers in the house would've added to it."

He ordered a cup of coffee. Black. Ella poured and put a lid on the cup.

He hated using Luna as an excuse, as a lie, but it was all he had right now.

"That'll be $2.34." Ella smiled as he scrambled in his pocket for the cash.

"It's okay. I've got it," Helen offered.

"No, it's okay. I can't ask you to do that. You've done enough."

He slid the two bucks and change across the counter and turned on his heel. His words had come out much harsher than intended.

Yet, even when he walked away, she calmly followed.

"It was just a coffee."

"Right now it's coffee, but who knows? Later on, it might be an offer to babysit again. Or change Luna's diapers."

Helen nodded, the brightness of her smile fading. He hated to be the cause of that. It was one of the things that had initially drawn him to her. That, along with her intellect, quick wit and a heart that was filled with so much compassion.

"One would think that you were pushing me away again, Max. Especially by that tone of voice. But that's not what you're doing, right?"

Her voice was soft, not accusatory in the least, but the fact that she seemed to know exactly what he was doing made him want to run away and be closer to her all at the same time. He was barely holding it together, needed her so badly, but he still felt he had to keep her at a safe distance.

"I'm genuinely worried about you."

She touched his forearm, and the contact was almost enough he felt he would break down. The look in her eyes kindled something inside him that he'd suppressed in the months since the accident. He missed how he felt around her, how she made everything make sense.

"No more offers to babysit, no meal prep, no cleaners to help with the laundry at home. Just talk to me. You always talked to me."

"Stop it," he said, and shrugged her hand off his arm. "I'm fine."

…..

Helen stared at the chart in her hands and tried to focus on it for the third time. Thoughts of Max and his apparent emotional crisis kept interrupting her work. Usually she was good at compartmentalizing her professional and personal life, but when it came to Max of late, she was having a hard time. She'd meant what she'd said earlier. She was truly worried for him. He was retreating into himself more and more. So far, it hadn't affected his work, but she feared that it very well might in the very near future. If he kept on his current course of not dealing with his grief, he was bound to crash and burn later. She hoped that the damage he was doing to himself wouldn't get to a point beyond repair.

A half a year ago, she'd stood on the roof with him in the snow. It was the morning after power to the whole city had gone out and she'd told him she couldn't be his doctor anymore. He did not take the news well. Though she'd agonized about the decision, she knew it was the best one. For the both of them. And she'd been right. He'd struggled with Dr. Stauton, but after she sent his file to Dr. Castro, he was doing much better. His tumor was shrinking and his health was improving.

She had wanted a clear delineated line drawn so that he could get better. Not because she wanted to put distance between them. She did what she had because she wanted the best care for him. Their personal relationship, their friendship, was not something she'd ever sacrifice.

But now, she wasn't so sure that Max felt the same. Now he was the one who was carrying out a triage of his own.

She put the chart down and slumped back in her chair. Clearly, she needed a break. She got up from her chair and slid away from her desk.

Maybe her usual spot on the hospital roof in the New York air would help clear her thoughts. Her beeline for the elevator was blocked by Dr. Castro whose face wore a rather curious expression.

"I just had the most wonderful idea," she exclaimed.

Helen nodded her head in acknowledgment and held back the sigh she so desperately wanted to let out. "And what's that?"

"You're doing a segment on Donna Marin's show next week, aren't you?"

Although she'd significantly slowed down on her appearances on the talk show circuit, Helen still did interviews every few months or so.

"Yeah, I am. Next Thursday."

"Well, I was thinking with all the recent success we've had here with my Precision Targeted therapy, maybe instead of it being a show about New Amsterdam on the whole, we could do a feature on my work here."

"Hmm…" Before Helen could respond further, Dr. Castro went on.

"And by we, I mean me."

The smile on her face was annoying, but Helen could tell she was very serious.

"You want to join me on the show?"

"No, I would like to go alone. Instead of you."

"Valentina, I've built a relationship with many of the news correspondents and their audience. Surely -"

"Yes, you have, but as co-head of Oncology, it would be good to get _my_ face out there to let people know that New Amsterdam has expanded their approach to new cancer treatment and that chemotherapy and radiation are no longer their only options."

"We are still in clinical trials, Valentina."

"And so far everyone who has qualified for them has had excellent results. We may only be treating 5% of cancer patients here with this method, but most of them have responded quite positively to it. Patients like Max, whose tumor is shrinking and who has a few more treatments left before he's fully cancer free."

"I see you intend to continue to use that information whenever you want to strong arm me into doing something I normally wouldn't. Like give you half of my department."

I wouldn't call it strong arming, Helen. Just convincing you that this is the right thing to do."

Helen swallowed. The sinking feeling that came over her was like a punch to the gut. She nodded. "I'll call the show producer and get back to you."

"Great!" Dr. Castro said and smiled. "I knew you'd think it was an excellent idea too."

Max stood in the corridor in disbelief of the conversation he had just overheard. He watched Dr. Castro and Helen walk off in different directions and sucked in a tight breath. Their conversation had been brief, but had revealed quite a lot. Helen had never explained why she'd given Castro half of her department. It was a decision that had baffled him, but she evaded the question whenever he brought it up. Now he knew that it was because of _him_.

Shame came over him, tears stung his eyes, and regret took hold of him deep down inside.

He didn't deserve her. Not as a friend, not as a colleague. Not when he had treated her so terribly after the accident. But she had sacrificed all that she had worked for…for him and was silently enduring Castro's manipulation because she wanted him to get his treatment.

How could he ever pay her back?

"Are you sure he's going to want company?" Lauren's question silenced the group who had all been engaged in conversation since they'd arrived at Max's building downstairs. It had been almost a week since she'd sent over the cleaners and she was extremely nervous about rounding everybody up at work to come with her, but deep down she knew it was the right thing to do.

They all had cleaning supplies, gloves, sponges and aprons. They were all ready to help Max out in one way he was hopefully ready for after the accident. Sharpe crossed her fingers at her side and hoped he was.

"Sure," she answered. "It'll be fine, you'll see.

He swung the door open after she knocked. He was most definitely surprised and Helen could tell he was still a bit hesitant.

"You said you didn't want any strangers in the house. Well, we're not strangers." She smiled and was glad to see when he reciprocated.

"I'm just putting it out there that I don't do windows," said Iggy.

"And I might not be able to move around as much, but I'm still great at giving orders," said Lauren.

At that precise moment, Luna cooed, and Max quickly looked behind him.

"See, even Luna approves," Reynolds said.

Max stepped to the side and they all filed in together. "Come on in."

For the next hour, they worked in unison, divvying up chores between them. Vijay and Iggy took bathroom duty while Floyd and Lauren handled the kitchen. Helen dealt with the living room, throwing out old newspapers, take-out containers and vacuuming the carpet. A half hour of finishing up and much conversation later, they were finally done.

"Thank you, guys," Max said. "Really, I wasn't expecting this, but Luna and I really do appreciate it."

"Oh, we didn't get to do the bedroom," Helen looked at him apologetically.

"Oh, the bedroom I got covered." Max stepped between her and the entrance. She was a little beat after a long day at work and then cleaning up here, but she didn't miss the panicked look that passed over his face quickly.

"You sure? I could just quickly change the sheets, straighten up a bit."

"No, Helen. I couldn't ask you guys to do more than you've already done."

"Well, you don't have to tell me twice," Floyd said. "I'm heading home; I got a phone appointment with Evie tonight."

"I promised Martin I'd be home by eight, so…I gotta go." Iggy checked his watch and headed for the front door.

"I need to get home as well." Vijay followed Iggy, and so did Lauren.

"Well, Max, I guess I better be going too," Helen said. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

She watched him set Luna down in her crib. She was finally dozing off.

"Helen, wait. Before you go. I wanted to speak to you about something."

"What is it?" she asked.

"It's about Dr. Castro."

"What about her?"

"I noticed that you're letting her do your TV spot this week and I want you to tell me why."

Helen took a deep breath and sat down on his couch. She knew eventually he was going to find out, but she wasn't prepared to talk about it just yet. She hadn't figured out what she was going to give him as an excuse.

"Max, can we talk about this later at work? Perhaps tomorrow when…"

Helen stopped mid-sentence. Her eyes had travelled the room behind Max because she hadn't wanted to make eye contact with him, especially if she had to come up with a lie. They settled on something, and she didn't want to believe her eyes.

"Is that….is that blood?"

Max felt his heart race, much like the night Helen had sent the cleaners. He watched as she slowly got up from the sofa, her eyes darting between him and the stain she saw on the area rug. His half-ass attempts to stop her did not work as she pushed past him to get a closer look. She stooped down and dragged it from underneath the bed.

"Max, can you to explain this to me."

Her voice was quiet as she crouched to the ground. He swore under his breath, blaming himself for not hiding it better. They'd cleaned the entire apartment and he'd successfully kept them out of the bedroom since Luna was in there and he was trying to get her to nap.

"Max, will you please explain this to me?"

"I can't," he answered, his mouth dry. He shook his head in response. "I can't explain it."

"I was wrong. I was wrong all along. You didn't need space. You didn't need time on your own to grieve, to work it out. You needed me to push you to open up because this is not normal, Max. It's not normal and you have to talk to me about it."

"I don't care. I don't care that it's not normal."

"You have to. You have to care. You cannot go on like this. It's been long enough. You have to -"

"Who gets to say that the way that I choose to grieve is not normal?"

He realized he sounded like a mad man justifying holding onto a bloody rug and for having imaginary conversations with his dead wife, but he was keeping it all together for Luna.

_Wasn't he? _

The excuse didn't sound the same to his ears anymore, not with Helen in the room. Not when she was looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"You are not grieving, Max. You're choosing to stand still and not move forward. It is not healthy for you, and it is not healthy for Luna."

"I can't. I can't let…her go. I'm not ready. If I let her go…if I admit she's gone, I'll have to live with the fact that she'll never see Luna grow up. Never know if I reach remission. She only got to hold her daughter, our daughter, that one time before she…"

Helen's heart broke for Max. The hurt emanating from him was palpable. She wanted to help, she truly wanted to. She wondered for a brief moment if coming here tonight was a mistake. She wondered if it would even make a dent in the barrier he'd put between them. But she knew she couldn't let him go on like this.

She didn't know what she could do to reach him. He was holding on to the hurt and it seemed that releasing it would be almost as painful as it was for him to keep it tamped down inside.

She watched him swallow hard, watched him try to suppress what was clearly begging to spill over. He looked away from her gaze almost as if he was afraid of her. She could tell he was being pulled under a sea of emotions, but she'd be damned if she'd let him drown.

She took a deep breath and moved slowly toward him. She didn't know if it was fear or hesitation, but he took a step back and landed on the edge of the couch.

She moved closer.

His hands were on his knees, gripping them tightly, and she could tell he didn't know what to do.

Closer still. "It's okay, Max." Her voice was soft and he looked up at her as she came into his space, cupped his cheek.

He shook his head as a tear slid down his face.

"Helen…" he was speechless as he grabbed her hand and threaded their fingers.

When she put her other hand on his shoulder, they shook and he broke down. Tears began to fall without ceasing and Helen put her arms around him. She cradled his face to her belly while he held onto her crying, taking the lid off every emotion he'd suppressed for the last six months.

Helen rubbed his back and let him grieve. Her eyes were misty as he tightened his grip around her. She ran her fingers at the back of his nape, down his neck, soothing him like a child.

"I'm here. You can let it go. I'm here," she whispered. "It's alright."

Fifteen minutes later, Max's tears had dissipated, but Helen still held him close. He slowly let go of his grip on her waist and she moved to sit next to him on the couch.

"I'm sorry," he started. "I -"

"Don't be, Max."

"I didn't want you to have to take all of this on."

"I told you before. I wanted to be here for all of it."

She grabbed his hand and Max held on tightly to it, feeling better than he had in a long time.

"I know you worry about forgetting Georgia, about letting her go. But in a way, you never will. You can see her in Luna. Every day when you hold her. And when she grows up. And when you start to share your memories of Georgia with her. That's how you can honour her, not by drowning yourself in guilt for being the one who survived."

He let out a ragged breath. It was something he had worried about; forgetting her and not being enough for Luna when she got older. It was another load off his chest that she would speak to what was gnawing at him on the inside.

"You're going to be alright," she continued. "Not instantly, not right away, but each day, step by step, you will."

Their heads were close together, hands still tightly clasped. Her voice was so soft and soothing that Max felt almost like a kid she was trying to comfort. He thought about her conversation with Castro, how she'd given up half her department for him and was conceding even more of her responsibilities just so that he could get better.

"I don't deserve you, Helen."

She smiled.

He let go of her hand and cupped her face and Helen saw a shift in the look in his eye. She couldn't place it, but suddenly he looked like he did when they were on the roof and she told him she couldn't be his doctor anymore. She felt that same energy pass between them suddenly, a magnet of emotion that seemed to draw them closer, not just physically but from deep down in their souls.

She held onto the back of his hand and closed her eyes.

She thought about how heavy he'd been for so long and how she'd had to bear how distant he'd gotten. Things had felt cold without him and with Akash being gone, Lauren overcoming her addiction, she'd often felt she had no one to turn to. She hadn't realized how all of those things coupled with having to work with Castro again had begun to wear on her, too.

She didn't know what it was that was happening, but she knew she needed it. If only for just this minute.

His hand slid behind her neck and she felt him pull her closer. The magnet between them was reeling them in together and Helen swallowed. Was he going to kiss her? Was this right? She wasn't sure it was. She wasn't sure if they were both in the right headspace, but she was startled by how natural it seemed that it was about to happen.

Luna started to fuss at that very moment, and both their heads turned in her direction. They both stood up and Max got her out of her crib.

She watched him rock Luna back and forth and felt herself come back to reality. She looked around for her pocketbook and threw it over her shoulder.

"I will let you two settle in for the night," she said.

A look of disappointment clouded his eyes for a minute then passed quickly. "Oh."

"Yeah. It's been a long day and I need to get something to eat. I will see you both," she smiled at Luna's sleepy face. "…tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," Max said as she headed for the front door. Luna looked to be going right back to sleep.

"Anytime, Max. Anytime."


End file.
